Dear Internet,

Sorry I’ve been away so long. I had to waste a day auditioning for Last Comic Standing (Keep an eye out for me behind the guy in the banana costume playing the ukulele, and I’m not even kidding,) and I’ve been sick ever since I got back into town. Not the kind of sick that gets you sympathy, but the kind that grosses people out and makes them fear your touch. Since I couldn’t do anything very taxing (like typing a blog entry,) I watched a lot of movies. Derek and I made several trips to Black Lodge Video, the best rental place in Memphis, and we each picked out a few things we hadn’t seen. This brings me to the part where I ruin a precious part of your childhood, internet.

I’ve made this observation on stage before, but it bears repeating in a format that will last forever. My generation, that includes you internet, is so fucking in love with its own nostalgia it sickens me. Bring up Thundercats to your average 26-year-old American male and he’ll practically climax in front of you. Are we really that hard up for memories that aren’t even decades old yet? Toy companies made shitty cartoons twenty years ago to make our parents spend money, and now they’ve realized they can take our money directly for rehashing the same crap. People complain all the time about how there’s nothing original coming out of Hollywood, but instead of getting excited about a brand new story, the internet is all twitter over the G.I. Joe movie. I know the Baroness gave you your first boner, but is that any reason to give a hundred million dollar budget to a concept that could barely hold an eight-year-old’s attention for thirty minutes?

So in that vein, I come to one of the films Derek and I rented, The Last Unicorn. We all remember it fondly don’t we internet? Back in the days when Red Bull wasn’t an energy drink, and trees magically grew giant breasts (we all remember that scene, and if that gave you your first boner, you’re probably really fucked up now), that was the time of The Last Unicorn. I will give this movie one compliment: the animation looks awesome on DVD. It’s so much better than the crappy VHS version. However, the rest of the film is worthless. Did a part of your childhood just die? Good, because that’s where this movie belongs: in a long forgotten past. First of all, the band America does all the music, and it sucks, even compared to the rest of America’s music. You’d think, hey guys, just change one word in your biggest hit, and you’re half way done. No, they made all new songs that have no redeeming musical value. And I know, you see Mia Farrow, and you naturally think, well, she has no obvious connection with reality so a mythical creature should be the perfect fit. Very, very wrong. A monotone stroke victim would have done better voice work. And Jeff Bridges is The Dude, not a gallant prince. If you rewatch this movie, don’t do it with an open mind, where you mix it up with fond memories of lazy Saturday afternoons. Watch it like the hopefully analytical adult you are now, and then try to convince me of how awesome it is.

There were two great comedy shows in Memphis earlier this week. Sunday night at the Hi-Tone was the Memphis vs. Nashville comedy showcase. Four great Memphis comics went against four of the best from Nashville, and the quality of that show was not reflected in the audience turn out. Really, people, you’d rather watch the Oscars? I could have told you No Country for Old Men was going to win, and then instead of wasting three hours watching Hollywood talk about how great and important the movies they make are, you could have watched an awesome comedy show.

Anyway, Katrina Murrel hosted the proceedings, and she did a great job at being funny and arbitrarily awarding points to people. Representing M-town, the 901, the Detroit of the South, were myself, Michael Klein, Andy Flemming, and the organizer of the whole thing, Brandon Sams. On the Nashville side, we did combat with Paul Strickland, Sean Parrott, Corey Reppond, and Brad Edwards. Nashville’s win proved that the Oscars weren’t the only ones handing out pity awards that night (see Diablo Cody.)

Soon the Memphis comics will make their way to Nashville to try to wrest title of Funniest City in a state where it doesn’t matter at all.

Thankfully Monday night at the P & H turned out to be an awesome comedy show with a large, appreciative crowd. Stan Chen recorded his CD that night, and I was one of the lucky people who got to do some time before he did his set. Stan is an incredibly talented, surprisingly dark comic who splits his time between Memphis and Indianapolis. He also brought his friend Yoshi to perform, and since Yoshi is a comic living in LA, hopefully we’ll see him on TV soon because he was, as we say in the business, “funny as shit.”

If you’re in Memphis, keep your eye out for flyers about shows like these. Live comedy has never been stronger in this town.

I went to my first open mic over nine years ago, and I can write without hesitation that the comedy scene in Memphis has never been stronger or better than it is right now. Over the preceding nine years, there have been periods were there wasn’t a comedy club or open mic around. Now we have one of the best clubs in the country, Comedy, TN, and four open mics every week. There is stand up every night in Memphis, and that is something I thought would never happen.

Even more amazing than these developments is the quality of comedians. There are unbelievably weird, quite probably mentally unstable people who show up, because well, they are attracted to unrestricted PA systems. And there a few people who just don’t get the concept of a joke (setup-punchline, it’s very simple and if you don’t get it, you’ll never be the next Bill Hicks, no matter how insightful you’re convinced you are.) However, the majority of people coming to perform at the open mics around town are really funny, creative people who want to learn how to be a good stand up comic.

I’ll be posting more about the scene here in town and putting up information about specific shows, but I want to give some advice to all those talented and creative people I just mentioned. The open mics here are so great and rewarding, that they are not preparing you for what comedy on a professional level is like at all. We are supportive of each other and encouraging. Most other comics are really cool, but they are not the coddling sort, and they have enough of their own shit to worry about to not really care that much about you. Also, most club owners/bookers (Comedy, TN being an exception), are purely business minded people. Sure they probably liked comedy at one point, but they could give a fuck about your precious art.

I guess the best way to explain it is to really let you guys figure it out for yourselves. Come watch the comics at Comedy, TN. If you perform at open mic on any kind of a regular basis, you can get in free to almost every single show. Watching the acts that come through each week will teach you a lot. Even if you don’t think the person that week is funny, they are still way farther ahead than you in this business. Observe, observe, observe, and pay attention. You’ll see how different comics approach crowd work, close out their show, handle hecklers, etc. Most comedians are willing to talk with you about comedy after the show, and you should take this opportunity every time it arises.

Now that I’ve blathered on about how great the open mic scene is, here’s a list of the open mics you can attend in Memphis.

Sunday nights: The Sports Bar & Grill, 9:30 or so start.

Monday nights: The P & H Cafe 9:30 or so start.

Tuesday nights: The Full Moon Club 9:30 or so start.

Wednesday nights: Comedy, TN 8:15

The only open mic you need to sign up for in advance is the one at Comedy, TN. Just call or email the club. Comedy, TN is also the only open mic with a cover charge, but it’s only $5.

… that the internet needed one more shrieking voice added to the uninformed cacophony that is modern discourse, and that that voice is mine! The possessor of this genius is my boyfriend Derek, and I am extremely grateful to him and Zach (who probably did all the boring but necessary parts) for setting me up with this sweet site.

I don’t know what this site is going to become. I’ll post blog type entries as much as I can, but eventually I’ll put up some video of my stand up, and I’ve taken to drawing stupid little cartoons which should make their way here as well. Most of the content will probably be comedic in some way (at least to me), but I write a lot so maybe some fiction or really awful poetry will show up at some point. Maybe, most likely under the influence of some sort of substance with questionable legality, something sincere will get posted. For instance, my mom suggested I should put up a picture of my family. Even though she spends a ridiculous amount of time online looking for free crap and a real job for me on Craigslist and searching for American Idol clips on youtube, she has yet to realize that the internet is full of assholes who are really good at photoshop.

So interenet, I think that’s whom I’ll be addressing most of these postings to, I’m a 25 year old professional comic in Memphis. Nothing big time yet, but yes, I’m fucking awesome. Since we’re going to be spending so much time together internet, I’d like to get to know you better, and I’ll start the process with this handy list of things I like and don’t like. To boost hits on my site, I’ve added a few things to the list that people love to google. Try to figure out which ones they are. (hint: they might be the ones in bold.)

Likes:

• my boyfriend
• friends and family
• robots
• animals
• naked Asian lesbian teens
• comic books
• classic literature
• High School Musical
• good movies (if you paid money to see Meet the Spartans, get off my fucking website
• Harry Potter fan fiction

Dislikes:

• Ann Coulter (I will let her be the representation of that whole phenomenon, because I hate her the most.)
• The Bush administration
• Hilary Clinton (that’s right, not even the liberal, vegetarian, feminist likes you.)
• New WoW patch
• Hack comics (Dane Cook)
• Extremists on any side of an issue
• Whatever it is that’s making Americans so fucking dumb

Well, it’s been nice making your acquaintance internet. Everybody else says you’re a douchebag, but I won’t believe them…as long as you like me and give me the approval I desperately seek.